I have always claimed myself to be quite expressive. The most easy thing to write is what you have experienced. When other people used to say "It's so hard to write about myself, what I feel" or when all those university applications have the personal statement section, many people are afraid of that because it's very personal, it's unique, it's expressing your own voice. For me these subjective topics are the most easy to write. I mean what's hard, just what you feel and what you think. Hell if people are asking me what is my opinion, I can go on and on. I just need a chance.
But there are some instances which cannot be put into words. They are so personal that you can't express it. I have thought a lot about this and the only conclusion I have come up with is perhaps the thing I fear is if I write it then I will give someone my most vulnerable part of life. Those who read it will have control over me or they will know that I am weak. I can be so weak but then I think everyday I don't let that struggle crush me shows my strength.
My father got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and passed within 8 months. It was so sudden and so shocking. It was something I had never imagined in life. It felt like life had given me a blind sided sucker punch and I was left there not knowing what to do. The best thing out of it was that papa felt all the love, lived a life which he would never regret. He did it and as I write this my eyes swell up with tears.
The feeling that I hate is helplessness and hopelessness and I felt both of them so clearly during that time. I have a tendency of proving people wrong. Papa actually proved the doctors wrong he lived for 5 more months than they predicted. I wanted him to live so much. His death was like the biggest loser feeling I have ever felt. Like I got placed last in a race.
I pretend to be fine. I have to take care of my mom. Papa made me promise him. I still can't sleep calmly, I remember the struggle he used to face on daily basis during his treatment, the pain, the feeling of helplessness he felt. The feeling of suffocation and sadness we all faced during that time. He died when I was asleep, it was like the moment I woke he was already gone. I still worry that the same will happen with mum, one day we sleep fine and in the morning she is gone.
I hate rejection and the stifling feeling of worry that I am worthless. That if i don't do something with my life quickly, I might die young with lots of regrets. I try to do stuff but I can't. There are times when I want to break free but with covid and stuff I silently suffer in my home. Safe is a lousy lonely place. I don't want to burn inside. I want so much but circumstances don't let me do it.
There is always fear of rejection and i worry that how long will I be able to handle this rejection, helplessness and hopelessness. But then I think I survived through Papa's death so all the other loss is so less but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I feel embarrassed but there is one other thing.
I fear that I might get something but then I have to leave my mom and then I wonder if I will be able to fulfill the promise I made papa. He also told me to chase my dreams but how to have some balance.
Whenever I write, the ending is always happy. I am a sucker for happy ending. For recovery, for winning, for survival, for sailing in the sunset and living happily ever after. But I worry will I ever get my happiness. Will all this internal pressure and stress make me so cynical that I won't be able to recognise my happiness which might just be under my nose.
So I would like to end with saying for the first time in my life, I don't know. I don't know what will happen. I know that I am survivor, I am a planner and I am obsessive. I just want peace and happiness. I just hope that I never stop hoping and dreaming that one day I will get that. One day....
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